Grey Matter

Sometimes something is and sometimes something isn’t but what about the times when we don’t know.
What about the times when its not as precise as a yes or a no? What then?

To me, the world is black and white. It either is or it isn’t. There is no grey area. Somebody either loves you or they don’t. You can either afford something or you can’t. You either crossed the line or you didn’t. Maybe it makes me cold and callous to be so unaccepting of the grey matter in life; I know it makes me objective and logical but does it make me reckless to have such a stronger refusal of something that may be in transition from black to white… or white to black?

I’ve never wanted to play games and I tell it how it is – I tell it how I see it. I’m honest and that can get me in trouble – not everyone in the world is as honest as I. To me, life is precious and it’s short and it’s tender but it’s also the longest thing we ever experience, it’s brutal and it’s challenging so to me is it not better to place all our cards on the table, deal with the hand we’ve been dealt and move forward? You’ll probably guess at this point that I have a terrible poker face.

I guess what I’m trying to express here is that sometimes we do get hurt, sometimes people disappoint us, sometimes the world throws us into a wild and trechrously violent storm. It’s at those moments that being black and white, being objective is the only choice that we have. You might disagree with me and that’s okay, you probably see the grey areas that I don’t.

Lately though, I have seen the grey areas… well their more murky beige if I’m being honest and it’s left me feeling anxious, slow, fuzzy in the brain. I haven’t been truly myself or on form and I’ve lost some of my game; well maybe quite a lot of it and I don’t like it. To me, if there is grey matter there is room for dispute. When the grey matter runs wild in our worlds then it is open for interpretation, for a subjective view that can and often does result in a difference of opinions. If there is grey matter, there is always a part of us that thinks “What If?”, “Maybe…” or “If I could just…” and nobody ever got anywhere with what ifs.

When things are black and white we are in a position to accept them for what they are, deal with them and formulate a plan of action. We can accept the occurrences of a situation and move on from it (I’d just like to state at this point that moving on is not always a derogatory phrase, but it can also mean to move on to the next part of the journey… For example when one finishes university they accept that their academic chapter is over and they move on to their professional chapter – usually this actually a very positive notion). The problem with grey matter is it makes the “relocation” if you will, just that little bit harder.

I’ve been feeling hazy, like everything is far from black and white and I’ve been really finding it quite difficult to see things for as fundamental as they are but then this happened:

Saturday night I bumped into an old friend, actually I bumped into a lot of old friends and this was half the issue. I saw a friend, somebody I care for very extensively and probably always will but sadly we are not at the point in our timeline where we can speak to one another (it would appear that neither one of us had the balls to address the other) and further more this friend was in the company of a person I would rather not feign affection with. If I’m honest, which I always am, the situation completely rifled me. I’ve been uncomfortably numb and out of sorts as of late… Murky beige if you will but I pulled myself together and I put on my game face and focused on the other company I was with.

My thinking here was that my other friendships should not have to suffer because this one is damaged. So I smoothed my feathers, played it as collected as a diplomat would and eventually said friend left. I left soon after and went to meet some other friends… Here is where I bumped into the old friend first mentioned above. They asked how I had been and the incident was still afresh in my mind so I talked about it and I caught them up to speed with all I could… I explained that it was such and such; that such of things were such as they were and it was at this point that this old friend said to me: “You’re very black and white about the situation.”

A totally simple comment to make but the only way to explain how it felt to hear that was as if I had been delicately taken out by a bag of the softest feathers.

It was at this moment, I took a step back and realised I had actually come a long way and whilst it hurt to see this friend with their less than welcomed company, I had needed to do so in order to erase the murky beige and apply some clarity to my colour spectrum. Sometimes, things happen and they hurt like hell but they’re a part of the process… A right of passage if you will and sometimes we need to experience them to find the harmony in our world again.

There is still beige but it’s not murky, it’s clean and crisp and more of a hibiscus than a biscuit shade. I don’t expect that the beige will be gone in an instance but I do presume that in time the world will once again be “It is or it isn’t”.

To the old friend, if you’re reading this then just know you helped me more in that moment that you probably ever will again and you didn’t even know it.

In fact to my precious, beautiful friend who is so keen to disengage me like a stranger: seeing you, seeing you in the company you kept that night… I’m sure in time I will post about my emotions, my opinions and my black and white analysis of our situation but for now you just need to know that you too helped me clear the murkiest parts of me away.

Even in your despicable desolation of all we once were, you still are the one keeping me safe and pulling me through. Although this time maybe it’s more of a push than a pull? No qualms though. Saturday night has made everything almost back to being black and white, back to how I like my world to tick tock so I guess I feel some genuine acceptance when I say this: It is what it is. I have made my bed and it is ready for sleeping in. I know that you too have made your bed (you always did love a well made bed) and you are already sleeping in it so it truly is what it is.

Isn’t it.

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